Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
