He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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