Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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