I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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