please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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