To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
