I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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