I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
