For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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