I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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