and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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