smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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