nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
