Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my being single is dangerous.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize