Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize