nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
