Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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