I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
