I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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