i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize