I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
