If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize