I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
