i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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