my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
