you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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