This is not my ceiling
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
