did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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