Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
