Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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