I am puke
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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