I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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