When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
