I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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