I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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