she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm passing your future prison.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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