sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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