I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
