Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Randomize
