When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
