I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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