I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
