Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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