Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize