dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
