I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
