Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
