There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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