he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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