Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
