you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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