No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
