There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
