The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
whose ass print is on the piano?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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