I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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