My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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