There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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