he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
