do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize