I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
