he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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