ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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