you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
