I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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