I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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