Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
