I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
